Why do people persist in a dissatisfying relationship

Psychologists at the University of Kentucky identified two general strategies, constructive or destructive, each of which could be either passive or active. Remaining passively loyal had no discernible impact on the course of the relationship; actively trying to work out a solution improved things only a little. But when you silently withdraw from your partner or issue angry threats, you can start a disastrous spiral of retaliation.

Other researchers have found that when partners are separately asked to ponder aspects of their relationship, they spend much more time contemplating the bad than the good. To get through the bad stuff, you need to stop the negative spiral before it begins. Read: What you lose when you gain a spouse. This may take more imagination. Your soul soars, your heart sings, and your brain is awash in oxytocin, dopamine, and other neurochemicals associated with love.

The full, unromantic name is Processes of Adaptation in Intimate Relationships. These couples, in central Pennsylvania, were interviewed during their first two years of marriage by psychologists who cataloged both the positive and negative aspects of the relationships. Some of the people were already ambivalent or hostile toward their partners—and tended to get divorced quickly—but most couples showed lots of mutual affection and went on to celebrate several anniversaries.

Over the long haul, though, those tender early feelings were not a reliable harbinger. As a group, those who divorced had been a third more affectionate during the early years than the ones who went on to have long, happy marriages.

It was how they dealt with the negative stuff—their doubts, their frustrations, their problems—that predicted whether the marriage would survive. Negativity hits young people especially hard, which is one reason that people who marry earlier in life are more likely to divorce than ones who delay marriage. Another reason is that younger people tend to have less money, which means more stress.

Some couples, of course, are better off splitting up, but far too many of them sabotage a relationship that could have worked. Picking up the pieces after a big fight can feel like an impossible task. Try these techniques to help you both move forward. Try to give each person space to communicate their point of view. When rebuilding the relationship, Czajkowska advises to consider it a new one, rather than saving an old one. Researchers have found that we tend to see what we are looking for.

But this works in reverse, too. Keep your eyes peeled for the good things. Sometimes, you just fall into a rut. It might sound cliche, but setting aside some time, even just a few hours, to go do something out of the ordinary can make a big difference. Psychological research shows that partners who play together experience more positive emotions and report greater happiness.

Try taking a break from the same old routine and spend time participating in novel, uplifting experiences. What does this actually mean? Sit down together and look at what might be causing that. Have you both been wrapped up in work? Keep in mind that signs of toxicity can be quite subtle. Are you walking on eggshells around your partner?

Learn more about the signs of one-sided relationships, and the best ways to end them with kindness. Learn more about vaccine availability. Advertising Policy. You have successfully subscribed to our newsletter. Related Articles. How to Make New Friends as an Adult. Grieving After a Break-Up? Trending Topics. What Parents Need to Know. Share this article via email with one or more people using the form below.

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